The scum of the Earth...

Today, I said some things that hurt someone close to me. I don't know why I said them, but I did. I think I need counseling of some sort. I'm pretty fucked up in the head. The stuff I think, the things I say, they are not reflections of a healthy mind. I don't know why I'm like this, just that I am. The person in question, they know who they are. I hope they also know that I am sorry. More sorry at this time then I ever have been before. I hate myself so much at this point, I don't know what to do. I am consumed by emotions I don't like, and I'm afraid I'm pushing those close to me away. I don't know what to do with myself at this point. Its like I'm afloat in a sea of darkness, and the one point of light in the blackness is drifting away rather than closer. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and I'm angry. Not at someone else, but at myself. I isolate myself and I don't understand why. I am afraid to show emotion, to show compassion, and I don't know how to fix my fucked up head.

My life is a blur. I'm unemployed, reduced to living off the meager check of someone that is far wiser than myself. Someone far more patient. I don't regret my life, or the decisions I've made, well, most of them. The majority of them have been for the better, but there are a few within the past ten years that I cringe at every time I think about them. What do I do? I keep asking myself that. I DO NOT KNOW! I'm lost, confused, and emotionally starved because I isolate myself from the people I love.

I pretend to be someone I'm not to my friends, especially on WoW. I do this because I'm afraid to show them my true self. None of my friends, save one, maybe, know the real me. They don't know the bullshit that rages through my head on a daily basis. They don't know the inner turmoil I face in the mornings. The one person that does know at least part of what I feel is the one I've pushed away so many times its a wonder they have stuck around this long. I don't know what to do at this point.

Me.

Arctic MUD

Wooo! Arctic, I'm back with a vengeance! PKers, get your skillz honed because I'm ripe for the killin'! Actually, bastards, this wipe I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTROL ME. Except when we're in the same town and I'm afraid to leave the inn :(.

I really am not sure why I started playing Arctic again, but with our MUD in a funk (again) and WoW boring me out of my mind, and Clandestine sucking hard as usual, I needed something to play. So I log on, mess around, and roll a dark knight. Then, and I swear this was plotted by clan Myth to get me to play, Albert gives me a full set of ergothian battle gear, minus shield. Thus, I was hooked. I leveled fairly quickly, and I'm now approaching level 30, which is the max level. Of course, there's ranks after that, but I haven't had a character at 30 in three wipes now. Time for that to change!

I love the way dark knights have been tweaked. My dragon, Druac, is awesome, we kill so many shiny goodies together. I've had a PK attempt or two so far, but I've managed to escape unscathed. All in all, I'm enjoying myself, and will even more when Kara logs her DK on and actually takes the stuff I have for her so I am not spending so much renting!

Holy shit

Its been a long time since I last posted. A lot of stuff has happened..our WoW guild is almost 300 members, and about half of them aren't worth a fuck. We have a few decent people though, and they help enforce the rules well enough. We've sort of taken a step back from WoW, though, to start working on our MUD again. That's fun, having ultimate control in the direction a game takes, doing whatever you want with each zone, its great. Anyway, I'm tired, but I wanted to babble, so I'm going to close this, post tomorrow maybe, depends. Got stuff to do. Like harass my idiot cat. Later.

From Frost to Fire to Frost again!

Wow, another fifty gold down the drain respeccing my mage from fire to frost. While fire is great damage, at this point in my mage's development, its not insane damage. It also provides a lot less in the survival factor than frost does. Frost is great for farming, and so-so for pvp. I need to make as much money as I possibly can right now, and the mats for spellcloth are easy to farm as frost, so that's the plan.

I started jewelcrafting on Zarice, after dropping enchanting, and grabbed mining on my hunter, figuring that would make things easier. Turns out, I'm lazy. I've mined a little bit on my hunter, but not much, certainly not enough to get to 200 on my jewelcrafting, which I'm swiftly approaching. Instead, I've spent nearly 300 gold on it in the past two days. However, now I can take my time working Vel's mining up and then, when it comes time to mine in Outland, it will give me an excuse to do a daily or two. My only wish is that my hunter, as well as my mage, had its swift flying mount, things would be much easier, but I'm not spending 5000 gold on a character I hardly play anymore...

Blogging, eh?

Well, from livejournal, to myspace, and now on to blogspot. Wonder where I'll end up next! Maybe writing gaming reviews for a major corporation, or maybe developing new ideas for those same games! Who knows. Anyway, the subject of my first official blog will be, you guessed it, world of warcraft.

Being the Guildmaster of a guild in World of Warcraft has its distinct advantages and disadvantages. You control the ranks and who holds them, you can limit access to nearly everything, guild bank, notes, new member invites, everything a power hungry dictator in Azeroth would enjoy. But with the perks come the responsibilities. Managing officers and peons, trying to keep everybody happy, sometimes sacrificing something of your own to please someone else, all the while trying to enjoy the game. Don't get me wrong, I love my guild and most of the people in it, but sometimes I just have to log off because it gets to be too much.

Ghosts of Dawn is an up-and-coming casual leveling guild on the Alliance side of Muradin. We're trying our best to get people to join and become productive members of the guild and the WoW economy, but too often, people think a guild is a free ride to level 70 and piles of gold. Sorry, folks. I'm not holding your hand, and nobody else in the guild is either. Seeing people join the guild, and immediately start asking for things, be it something from the guild bank, instance runs, quest help, whatever, before even acknowledging the other people online pisses me off. People that think just because something is available to the guild means that it should be theirs gets on my nerves too. Once you put it in the guild bank, it belongs to the guild. Not any single person. Sometimes, people have a hard time realizing that. When they see hundreds of gold available, they think "I need gold. There's gold in the guild bank. Therefore, I'm in the guild, and even though I've been here a whole three damn minutes, I'm entitled to five hundred gold! Gimmie!". Screw them. Let them go find another guild, because they're not going to rip this one off. Countless people, even if they're not all level 70 with t6 gear, have added to that, and each of them has a right to know what happens to that stuff. If the guild needs money, some of the items in the guild bank may be auctioned off. All of the profits from those auctions are returned to the guild for future use, be it another bank tab or perhaps helping a productive member get the last two hundred gold to their epic ground mount.

In closing, I hate greedy people. If someone thinks they can join the guild that I and my friends have busted our asses to create and build from nothing, they can look elsewhere, because chances are, they'll be shown the door quicker than they can say "Can I have this?".

Rick (Zarice)